rescue a Seat at the Table

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I hear there are a few Senate seats up for grabs. Caroline Kennedy wants one and Roland Burris got a nod to take a seat (and a stand) at the Senate table.

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DINING ROOM CHAIR COVERS

And then I got to thinking, I would genuinely like a Senate seat. I am sure it beats the brown wooden chair in my bedroom with the fabric cover. And I know it comes with more benefits than the one I inherited from my friend Lata. When I sit down it is merely to regain some facts or figures to make a coherent story about a local firm person. My seat does not come with health assurance or free home renovations (hello Governor Palin).

I also understand that a Senate seat comes with great privileges. There is a remarkable dining room with a wholesome spread of gourmand food, lifetime health assurance and pension, and you are courted by lobbyists (who all the time come with pockets stuffed with cash). There are trips to exotic locales that are supposed to be educational and informational. I don't get to take these trips from my chair; I am relegated to Google for information and my left brain (and perhaps stem cells) for innovation. I rarely (or never) have a Lobbyist or drug firm begging me to board a incommunicable jumbo jet for the mere purpose of watching sea turtles or mending fences (I know you can all the time call in a handy man for that).

Having a Senate seat does come with a lot more responsibilities than my miniature wooden chair. I understand that whatever with a Senate seat has the quality to confirm cabinet secretaries (I don't understand the need for a secretary for my cabinet, the china does just fine on its own) and federal judges. And like some jobs where back-stabbing is common, I hear the senate is approximately clubby (I figured as much with all the dark wood paneling).

They also don't ask you to leave when your hair plugs get natty or your skin wrinkles. Unlike most professions - that want you out at the first sign of wear and tear - the Senate lets you stay until the undertaker comes for you. Strom Thurmond, who nabbed a Senate seat in 1956, didn't relinquish his political fanny rest until January 2003 (and I am approximately sure he did this without Restylane or Botox). The man also fathered a child out of wedlock and spoke for 24 hours and 18 minutes against Civil ownership in 1957.

That is the attractiveness of a Senate seat. You get to pretty much call the shots. If I talk for more than two or three minutes my boyfriend will call me a chatter mouth. His predecessor, who I beloved for 90 days, would listen to me talk a few seconds and then his face would glaze over as if I just said I was going to nuke Long Island. Just think how great it would be to have a fancy political seat and the gift of gab. It would be like meeting and marrying a heart surgeon who graduated from Harvard.

Senators also have unlimited vacation time. They have a few meetings and bingo they all shuffle out for a month or two vacation. If your colleagues don't like you, it doesn't matter; they are stuck with you until your twilight years (or beyond). And think of all the caucuses. Senators get to sit nearby and schmooze about topics of their choice. I for one think there should be a caucus about men who can't commit, another one on the strange habit retail market have of discounting only the merchandise I don't want and another on why all the shoes for women have heels that could double as gardening tools (doesn't whatever know shoes are for walking, not posing?)

That's what so great about being a Senator, you get to make rules, hang out and talk endlessly about law (call it a consider club for grown-ups without pimples) and be courted by corporate executives who have to be nice to you.

But there are some things about having a Senate seat that have me worried though. I hear there is a resolution to lie over (sounds kinky to me), reconsideration motions and a lot of joint resolutions. I know it's hard to agree on matters of state with 100 distinct people, but you don't have to be a genius to perceive that smoking a joint is not a good thing when you are cooped up with 100 citizen (many of whom are bored I assure you). And besides, what are they going to settle when all they can think about it Hostess Twinkies or chocolate covered strawberries?

So I am officially rescinding my offer for a Senate seat. Caroline Kennedy can have one (I am not sure why she needs supplementary furniture at this stage of her life). And I'm not sure what to tell Roland Burris (the man already has a McMansion mausoleum to lie in for eternity, why does he need a seat with an expiration date?).

As for me I am going to stick with the miniature brown chair in my Lake Worth condo (far from the Senate chambers). It requires no maintenance, no joint resolution (how can citizen make decisions when their eyes are all glazed over) and no endless hours listening to talk about the prestige market, automobile bail-outs and how to help Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae.

If I did have a Senate my first order of firm would be to help Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. Instead of giving them money I would march them off to Dr. Phil's office and quiz, they work out their differences. Everybody knows that men are from mars and women are from Venus. And you don't have to have a Senate seat to form that out.

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